I can’t tell you the number of times I question if I am really trans or nonbinary. There is a constant struggle with validating my identity that swirls around within my brain. I fear that I am not really trans but just a wayward cis. How do I confirm that I really am trans?
My girlfriend made a comment that I don’t know what I want to do with my body. It wasn’t an invalidating statement, but it makes me question my transness because what trans person can’t make a decision about their transition? I can’t even commit to a legal name change let alone medical procedures.
I feel a lot of fluidity- so I think what may be perceived as not knowing what I want is a manifestation of the fluidity that I experience. I have always switched between names- sometimes inside i resonate with one more so than the others, and then it changes. So how do I make legal and permanent changes when I don’t land in the same spot every time I jump?
The world isn’t designed for fluidity. Look at people who identify as bisexual- we constantly want to pigeonhole them and their sexuality based on who they are dating at the time. There is a constant air of indecision around bisexual people that doesn’t actually exist. Being more fluid than one or the other isn’t easily understood and it isn’t super mainstream when it comes to dating, gender, or identity.
Perhaps I am indecisive. Perhaps I am fluid. I don’t know how to tell the difference between the two, honestly. It is hard giving myself space to just exist in this middle place between knowing and not knowing. I don’t think it changes much because I know my pronouns are they/them, I know I don’t like to be called a lady- those things won’t change. It’s just about finding certainty within myself, for myself; Im just not there yet.
